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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 96
The Mafia Gazette Issue 96 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Weekender Edition: News Free For Your Enjoyment Saturday 1st July 'TO BE OR NOT TO BE? THE EMANCIPATION RETRACTION ' By: Gazette Reporter One of the most extraordinary suits on record is to be heard before the Supreme Court of New York State. It escalated out of a dispute between the plaintiff and the defendant over a mortgage the defendant took out upon his own person! Mild-mannered James Smith-Robinson, a 33-year old convenience store clerk of Brooklyn and father of two, secured a loan of $200 by mortgaging himself to one HeavyweightHammer, a controversial retired businessman with suspected Mafia links. This deed reads: "I, James Smith-Robinson, of Brooklyn New York in the State of New York, am indebted to HeavyweightHammer of the State aforesaid, in the sum of $200, for which he holds my note, to be due on the 28th day of June, 1926, and to secure the payment of the same I do hereby convey to him these articles of personal property, to wit, myself, to work with him long enough to pay this debt, but on this special trust that if I fail to pay said debt right away, then he, the said HeavyweightHammer , of his assigns, may, may sell me at the Court-house door for credit or cash, as he thinks best, after giving 20 days public notice a three public places, and apply the proceeds of such sale to the discharge of said debt, and interest on the same and cost and expenses of making such sale, and pay the surplus, if any, to me. Given under my hand and seal this the 14th day of March, 1925. Signed by: James Smith-Robinson “I, HeavyweightHammer, of New York, accept the debt of $200 from James Smith-Robinson, for which I hold his note, to be due on the 28th day of June, 1926 under the aforementioned terms and conditions. This advance was made under my hand and seal on this the 14th day of March, 1925. Signed by: HeavyweightHammer.” Smith-Robinson failed to pay the amount due, and HeavyweightHammer was at liberty, under the terms of the deed, to sell him at public auction. Some time before the expirations of the 20 days' grace allowed the mortgaged debtor the news got out and the Court-house green was crowded with people expecting to witness the novel sale of an American citizen by the wealthy Italian-born immigrant. An injunction was granted by the Superior Court, and no sale took place. The Supreme Court will hear the case. James Smith-Robinson is known to be representing himself as the defendant in the hearing, while it is unknown who is to be representing HeavyweightHammer. The retired businessman is long suspected of links to a Mafia Family known as TheDamned and was implicated in a series of corruption cases involving high-ranking officers of the law and government officials shortly before he withdrew from public life. Issues expected to be raised at the trail are questions about the ‘sound mind and judgement’ of the defendant, Smith-Robinson, at the time the contract was drawn. Furthermore, legal experts for the Mafia Gazette have suggested that Smith-Robinson’s decision to represent himself against what is surely to be a very highly-paid team of lawyers representing the plaintiff, HeavyweightHammer, may actually be a shrewd move on the part of the defendant, who had the following to say for our legal correspondents: “The contract wasn’t fair and I, uh… dispute the um… legality of the terms and conditions… and stuff…y’know….” HeavyweightHammer was not available for questioning, as he was suffering some sort of affliction of the bowels but, as the reclusive businessman waved to us from his bathroom window, the head of his legal team, Charles Edwards attorney at law, had this to say: “The case represented by my client is straight forward. I, Charles Edwards, of ‘Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe: Legal Services’ have the utmost confidence in the Supreme Court to pass honourable judgement on this deliberation and we anticipate a favourable outcome from this case.” Despite the professional overtones, there are questions early on about what he means by a ‘favourable outcome’, and already there are accusations of bribery and corruption from human rights’ campaigners. One had the following incoherent babble to offer: “Free James… uh… what’s his name…. yea. Free him now! HeavyweightHammer’s a crook – I’ll bet he got James drunk!” Yet another demonstrator exposed his genitals to our camera man, who subsequently filed a suit in a lesser-authority, the City Courts, over the matter of $4.28 to cover the cost of replacement for a broken lens. Can one person legally own another in this day and age? Our countries forefathers founded a Constitution which stipulates all men being equal under God, and the late President Lincoln pledged his hand to the Emancipation Proclamation – abolishing slavery across our land. Whatever happens behind those doors is bound to be historic. If the seven justices rule in favour of the defendant, then there will be a question as to how the debt will be repaid: one previous debtor to the New York businessman was found in the harbour when a departing cargo vessel raised its anchor to inadvertently retrieve the body of a 24 year old man sporting concrete shoes. If, indeed, the justices rule in favour of the plaintiff, this could be seen as a slight upon the legality and enforcement of the Emancipation Proclamation. President Lincoln’s famous degree indeed set free all those forced into slavery, but did not stipulate any mandate for those who voluntarily signed themselves into it – a previously unprecedented circumstance. Republican candidate Herbert Hoover won this year’s election by a wide margin on pledges to continue the economic boom of the Coolidge Presidency and he faces a stern test in his first days in office if he should be pressured to issue an Emancipation Retraction. As a staunch Californian proponent of the Prohibition, upon being sworn into office, President-elect Hoover is widely expected to crack down upon the organizations that have profited from illegal alcohol importations. Until now, efforts of Mr. Hoover to have businessmen such as HeavyweightHammer – who still protest their innocence – have failed, but with the power of the Presidency behind him, he could become a force to be reckoned with. Will President-elect Hoover’s influence keep our Supreme Court squeaky clean, or will scandalous corruption and reports of bribery forever taint this and future rulings from our Country’s highest legal authorities? Time will tell, and the Gazette will be watching as each new development in this case comes to light. 'ANIMAL CHAOS IN NY ZOO ESCAPE ' By Zinglebert Humptyback Chaos was unleashed across the city of New York yesterday when Zookeepers accidentally unleashed most of the animals from the zoo. Broadway was brought to a standstill with monkeys flinging excrement at passing motorists and pedestrians, and Police reported several of their vehicles were destroyed when a rhinoceros became trapped in their car pool. A man was savaged in Central Park as three lions rampaged through the area, destroying four park benches, a park warden reported. The man’s condition is described as serious, but stable. Two Police officers cornered a brown bear on 5th Avenue, but had to shoot it dead after it bit clean through the arm of a bystander. Zoo officials are yet to comment at how this catastrophe came about, but it is believed from sources inside the Zoo that several of the keepers were intoxicated whilst celebrating one of their birthdays, and let the animals out for a practical joke. As yet, there are no reported fatalities, but the injury toll is still rising. 'WORST WEEK OF THE WEEK AWARD ' Here it is, the first official “Worst Week” award. Each week we will be doing this award, with candidates and one final winner of the much coveted “Worst Week Of The Week” award, awarded weekly on a week by week basis. So, on to our first batch of candidates. It’s been a bad week for: Mr-Mafioso: who was going to try to get a Headquarters and asked a very obliging Capo to help out. The Capo, in turn, asked for ten million to be wired over to cover all expenses. The aspiring family head did just that, raiding his savings to get the necessary monies together and sending them off, post haste, to the seemingly ever-so-helpful Capo and waiting for the requested Headquarters to be passed on. Apparently, according to the Capo, the money never arrived. The banks refused to confirm or deny whether the wire transfer had actually gone through, but Mr-Mafioso was still 10 million dollars worse off. He is now wishing to settle the matter out of court with the Capo, aided by a gun and a few bullets. I have a feeling his week is about to get much worse. It’s been a bad week for: KingBenny, the Gazette’s own bar reviewer. He was apparently picked up by the police for being drunk and disorderly outside one of the establishments he had been reviewing for the paper. Police said they found Mr Benny dressed in a barmaid’s outfit, swinging from a lamppost, singing, “I want to be your sweetheart” off key. Eyewitnesses also said that when the police tried to arrest Mr Benny, he attempted to look seductive and offered one of the cops his phone number in a bid to get off with the charge. Fortunately, he appears to have picked the right night to do this, as the officer had a sense of humour and allowed Mr Benny to go free, as long as he “Promised to review the police station canteen for the next issue of the paper”. This apparently isn’t the first time this has happened, although Mr Benny claims he was “just being thorough” in his research for his Gazette articles. It’s been a bad week for: SandyLameO, who was seen in the street with his Mother the other day having his face wiped with a hankie that she made him spit on, then getting a lecture about how he should have taken up knitting instead of throwing paint around. He has apparently been seen on several occasions getting spoken to by his Mother, most notably recently when she complained about his attire and marched him off to the nearest store to buy him a new jacket. The poor Mobster is having to take a fair bit of stick for the hankie incident, but he fortunately got away with the jacket. He managed to get something sensible rather than the tweed affair with the leather elbow patches that she had decided was “All the rage”… So with all the candidates there, the judges have made their decision. The First “Worst Week of the Week Award” goes to… Mr-Mafioso! The scammed, Headquarter-less Street Boss! 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' He says, “The word on the street is… Squire was seen streaking through the NY zoo, chasing meerkats.” He says, “The word on the street is… Puck was seen talking to himself… again.” He says, “The word on the street is… John Milton was seen preening himself in shop windows… again.” He says, “The word on the street is… RTL still needs a shave.” 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Classified ads to John Milton Gazette writers wanted: Regular columnists needed, excellent pay and conditions. Contact John Milton for further information. You can freely deposit or withdraw any sum of money you keep with Delucci Banking & Insurance. If you pass away, then 70% of the total sum that was kept in your account will be sent to your next-of-kin. 5% interest of your total bank balance will be paid to you on a weekly basis. - Interest is only paid for an entire week on Saturdays - A PIN number will be assigned to you; it must be used to withdraw funds. It will also be used by your next-of-kin to reclaim your money in case you pass away. - If you lose your PIN number, Delucci Banking & Insurance will not accept any responsibility. -Wire transfers are available for withdrawals; however the cost of the transfer will be taken out of your account. -A full bank statement will be provided, weekly, showing withdrawals, deposits, interest earned, and costs taken for wire transfers. Contact KingBenny for further information.